i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
