This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
