if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
