You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Randomize
