Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
