Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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