K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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