I wish life had little blips of pornography
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
