Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Randomize
