I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
