That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
