you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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