and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
