Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
