The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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