I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
