I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
