ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
