Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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