I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
