Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
