he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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