this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
