My sheets look like a crime scene.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
