Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
