Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
