rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
