accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
