Well douche your snatch and let's go!
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
