how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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