I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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