so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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