My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
50% drunk capacity currently
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
