I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
