I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
