I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
