Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you win again, gameday.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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