I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
cat food counts as protein by the way
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
