Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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