Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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