the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
