He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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