I have demons in me.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Panties = found
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
