Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
