I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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