I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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