alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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