I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
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