Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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