why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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